I don’t know if I can but I am willing to try

If this sounds a bit like I am rambling then it is because I am. I’m going back to the original idea of what a blog is, as I understand it. A web log. As it was explained then, a reverse-chronological journal of whatever comes to mind.

This is what is coming to mind. And a lot is coming to mind because my mind is not pre-occupied with school at the moment (our vacation having started yesterday). And yesterday was Youth Day which means (as an old man) I spent most of the day lounging about doing nothing. But also as an old man I know that I don’t have that many days left and I can’t spent too much time doing nothing. I start itching.

So, this morning I’m scratching at least one itch by blogging. Something I should be doing regularly if it is supposed to be a proper blog (web log). And always when I say log I think of those Star Trek logs that give a star date and a Captain’s log and then an intro or conclusion to a story. I always wanted to hear at least one log that deal with the nitty-gritty of a Starship like dealing with blocked toilets.

I’m picking up on a number of things, which I hope to touch on over the next couple of weeks. And with this I hope to revive my blog again to something I do at least semi-regularly, if not over-frequently. I am aiming for too much rather than too little with the hope of hitting just right.

What is coming up then? Or, where is my mind wandering and what projects do I have on the boil? Let me make a list, just because:

  1. I start next term with a Main Lesson with my own guardian class. It is Drama Main Lesson and we will be doing Twelfth Night. That would be one of Shakespeare’s plays I know very little about and that means a bit of study and reading and thinking to get a handle on it. It will also be my first Drama Main Lesson so that makes it a double challenge for me. I’m very much looking forward to it.
  2. Still with school, I need to write an essay on my own teaching at a Waldorf school. This is part of my training as a Waldorf teacher and once I have done it I would be mostly finished with the introduction to be a Waldorf teacher. Apparently, however, it will take another four years before I really begin to feel like one. Always learning.
  3. I’ve set myself a challenge to make some paintings. Look back at the five things post. With the business of the end of term that whole process fell apart and I have to pick it up again. Updates on that as it goes because I would really like to get some painting done again.
  4. There are some hard-core maintenance to be done at home. One kitchen cupboard door has been broken for six months. Some shrubs needs winter trimming and all kinds of other stuff. Let’s see how much of that I get done.
  5. I have written a short monologue. I hope it will grow but I want to work it up as something I can perform, even just as the short snippet it is. I’m ploughing into new ground here so it feels a bit daunting but also exciting.
  6. Leading on from that, I trying to get together with a friend because we have an idea for writing a play together. It might just be a dead-end conversation or it may lead to something but we need to have a talk about it. That needs happening.
  7. And then lastly I have my fiction writing that I want to get to. Whether it would be new things or reviving old things I don’t know. Possibly half-half if I can get it right. For that I will be picking up on the Slow Writing post format. Let’s see how tat goes.
  8. And then really lastly, this blog and other online stuff that needs doing such as the Playing Mantis website.

And that brings me to the end of the ramblings, for now. Because it seems as if I have bitten of much more than what I can chew. All above here is much more than three weeks of business, or is it?

I don’t know. I’ve never pushed myself to work very hard before. What will happen if I do?

What is up with just five things?

I am in a confessional mood so here comes a confession about another project I’m involved in. Involved because I created the project, or is busy creating the project, and is the one responsible for planning, executing and mucking it up as I go along.

Five Things: spoon, tin opener, knife, glass shell and copper crustacean
Five Things: spoon, tin opener, knife, glass shell and copper crustacean

I visited the charity shop at the SPCA and bought five objects to the total cost of one hundred rand. These are small object which I can hold in one hand. A knife, a funny spoon, a glass shell-shaped bowl, a tine opener and a copper crustacean (or something).

The idea with the project is to use these five items as inspiration and starting point for a series of artworks. More specifically a set of paintings, though that may not be so certain depending or where things go.

But why am I doing this?

For a number of reasons which may not all seem logical. There might be even some reasons I’m not aware of but of those I am aware of here goes:

  1. I need to want to paint again with a fair amount of abandon. For this I need to be sure about my subject matter and not doubt what I am doing. By focussing on a limited number of objects, and what they could signify, I am aiming for a less is more approach.
  2. There are certain things I keep telling my students: “It is not the idea that matters but what you do with it”, “Pick anything and just start, it gets good later”, and “Make stuff, quality follows quantity.” However, I am not sure if I believe what I say because I do not do it myself. This project is an attempt to do so in order to be able to teach from a deeper experience.
  3. I would like to experiment with a project based approach to art making vs a constant productive stream. In other words working with stops and starts and deadlines before shifting gear to something completely different. This is a first attempt of such an approach for myself.
  4. My class 12 students will need a topic for their year work practical for 2017. I am putting this kind of topic through a test run to see if it would work. I’ll write down my parameters in a follow up post to clarify it for myself, and as a draft for the practical project.

Now, what I don’t have at the moment is the time to dedicate to painting. Not the way I want to paint, for a succession of days, deeply immersed and with absolute focus. So what I am doing at the moment is exploring the objects in quick sketches. And beginning to think about what they could mean. Which will soon mean some research but which for now just means being aware of them, as stuff.

And that then is another project I’m messing around with.

I’m a Webmaster again

Some days I am scared to admit to how many projects I have cooking at the same time. Which is why some are underdone and some are overcooked and some are being eaten by the cat while I’m not looking.

But let me admit to at least one project I’m working on at the moment. I have temporarily taken over as webmaster for Playing Mantis. If you don’t know, Playing Mantis is my wife’s company which has developed innovative processes for coaches and facilitators based on drama and story principles. And it is time their website needs an update because what she has been doing in the last year is not what the site portrays anymore.

Content is like water, a saying that illustrates the principles of RWD.
Content is like water, a saying that illustrates the principles of RWD.

And this is where I come in because I’m going to reboot the site for her. Which involves quite a bit of loose ends that needs tying up, corners that needs sweeping out and gremlins that must be hunted down and exterminated with no mercy.

But the hope is that once this strange times has passed that the Playing Mantis site will be a much more user friendly and focussed website.

I’m posting about my work on the site here because I want to keep the site there very much focussed only on what it is really about. Thus very little clouding with other issues to keep the whole reboot on target (on that side).

On my own site (here) I will however continue to make a mess and post about anything I like to. Because, as I said, I have so many things going on right now it can’t be sorted out or simplified – an even if it can, I don’t care to do so now.

Image Reference: Responsive Web Design, Wikipedia

Aw shoot!

Wooden play gun on grass
If this is my only gun then what?

Why do I have to do ready, aim, fire? Can’t I aim first? At least with a telescope or a monocle. Then I can now what to get ready. Maybe I like a shotgun. Or a slingshot. Or a blunderbuss. Why can’t I use a cannon or a laser gun?

Maybe because the laser gives you the fire after the shooting. Then, why is it ‘ready, aim, fire’ and not ‘ready, aim, shoot’? You don’t fire arrows. Do you shoot them? Or, as I suspect, do you loose them? Ready, aim, loose?

Sounds like something you do in the little porcelain room.

When is quitting not failing?

Like every sucker out there (yes, that means you too) I bought into certain beliefs without even being fully aware of it. I thing that is what is called enculturation but indoctrination might also suffice. One such belief is that you finish what you start.

Or: I am not a quitter.

Except that I am. And not because I am subconsciously procrastinating but because I choose to give up.

Mixed media painting of a coastal landscape with a cliff face and clouds
Gerhi Janse van Vuuren, “Aestus” (Tide), 2016, mixed media on paper, 20 x 24.5 cm

There was a time when I was not a quitter. My first degree is a Bachelor’s degree. A licence to study anything you find interesting. In my first year I did Political Science and Criminology and Sociology and Psychology and Economics. In the second year I had to limit my options and I chose Sociology and Psychology. But then for the heck of it I added in Cultural History and Information Sciences (Not computers but library systems). But in my second year I hit the wall of not being really interested in any of these subjects anymore (especially not my majors Psychology and Sociology).

Ideally I would have liked to turn back to year one where I had an open choice and could choose anything I wanted to. But that is not the way things are done, so I didn’t.

I wasn’t a quitter and so I forced myself through the funk and came out on the other side with a degree in subjects I had no inclination to look at again for at least another decade.

I have hit that same wall again a number of times since. And more recently I have been quitting rather than sticking through with whatever I have lost interest in.
Which gives you, of course, Guilt (yes, with a capital ‘G’).

Because there is a whole belief system that the only people who are successful are people who do not quit.


Aren’t I working with my own definition of success?

I should be, shouldn’t I? Because I can’t work on anybody else’s definition because I am not them. And if in my definition quitting is not a failure then there should be no shame or guilt involved and I can continue to quit stuff with abandon.

Like now, at this moment, I have an academic paper riding me (To be honest it is more past tense now because I already quit that jockey). It is haunting my like a lost banshee wailing in the night. And even though it would not be a very big job it is not something I want to spend my energy on. But right now I do not want to finish the paper.

But why? Because I lost interest in the paper. I have not just lost interest, I detest any idea of picking it up and finishing it. Not that I never will. Who knows what can happen ten years from now.

Sometimes it is easy to see when a thing will be finished. If you start a play you know there is going to be a rehearsal process; and a performance; and then an end; and then you are done with it. Which, if you think about it, means the thing has a deadline. And what I did not realise with this paper is that I missed the deadline.

So, how did I get landed with this indigestible paper on my plate?

Last year I found out that the SAVAH (South African Association for Visual Art Historians) conference would be held in Pietermartizburg. It was at a time when I felt that I needed to get out and connect with people and places from my past and having spent seven years in ‘Maritzburg surely qualified.

So I cobbled together and idea for a paper, mailed it off and forgot about it. I was past deadline and I really didn’t care if it was accepted or not. But then it was and I had to write a paper. Which was a bummer because I think I write better proposals that papers and so I delayed writing it until the week before the conference when I again cobbled together something.

This I presented at the conference and thereby dispensed with my obligation and the ruse under which I got myself out of the house for a whole weekend and moving in circles where I don’t normally move.

What I know now was that that was the deadline. My deadline.

Except that now the paper needs submission. Which is an interesting quirk of academic papers in that they are presented at conferences but only submitted later (much later). Except there is nothing in it for me to submit the paper.

I will not get any points for it. Maybe some teaching PD points but who cares, I will already get that for the conference. My job is not dependent on it, nor my salary. I will not get a qualification, sponsorship or anything else from completing the paper. And more than that, I learned what I wanted to learn from the tiny scrap of theory that was in my paper. I will not learn more by finishing the paper and anyway; my ideas and thinking have moved on since I presented it.I have moved on.

By the by the paper took a stance against the limited theoretical focus in teaching art to grade 12 students and the effect of that on the artist-teacher. It sounds much more interesting stated like that.

What I should have done was to prepare a more complete paper before presenting it at conference. In fact, when the ideas for the paper was hot I had to write and finish it then and there. Then I would have presented it at conference, tweaked a sentence or two, and then submitted it because the conference was MY true deadline.

And I met my deadline, I got from the paper and the conference everything I wanted to get out of it, and more. My more knowing now that I can quit this now because quitting does not make me a failure. Quitting just means I am done when I say I’m done.

I’m done.

Okay, not quite. I have added a second painting, “Aestus”, to my shop. Yes, that is the one pictured above. Because I haven’t quit painting yet. Nor trying to foist it of onto somebody.

Some thoughts on finishing a painting

There are a number of things that are striking to me in the completion of “Emanation”. Let me start with the last, which is the title.

The day I finished the painting I took a picture and placed it on Facebook. Here I celebrated me finishing a painting (which seem to happen less frequently than what I plan for) and then asked for suggestions on a title. I was then thinking about something such as “Beating about the Bush”.

Oil on canvas painting Emanation by Gerhi Janse van Vuuren showing a man hidden by some foliage.
Gerhi Janse van Vuuren, Emanation, oil on canvas, 2016

My idea was shot down and suggestions and responses focused on things such as emergence, or the opposite of emergence. This led me to thinking and typically I went to a Thesaurus and then ended up with the title “Emanation”.

This means something issuing from a source. But it also means: “a being or force which is a manifestation of God”. How is that for a kick-ass meaning to a work.

What I also really enjoyed about the interaction about the work on Facebook was the interaction. I am used to putting things out there and getting dead silence in return. This time it was different and I found the experience, and the responses from people, uplifting. What more can I say, I know some great people.

In the painting of the work I of course went through a series of revisions. When don’t I?

The painting started of as a failed canvas by a student I don’t know. It was a leftover in the storeroom when I took over teaching art at Michael Mount Waldorf School in 2013.

I first started painting some aphorisms on the canvas with the idea of putting it up in the classroom as inspiration. That quickly felt corny and I couldn’t figure out what to do with the image part of the painting. The canvas lingered for two years in the storeroom until this year when I started with the idea of doing minimalist paintings. The canvas was repainted with just a textured surface.

Next I tried going extremely minimalist with some kind of landscape element but that felt old very quickly and I reverted to something more figurative. Drawing on my personal history and interests, especially of the San Fransisco Bay Area figurative artists, I quickly sketched in two figures and improvised some vegetation. In the painting the second figure disappeared while the picture galloped to completion. On the day I finished the painting I said to myself that I could fiddle around for it for another couple of months, or I could not beat around the bush and get it finished. So I did, and I also had an idea for title, which was then scrapped as you saw.

The painting is now finished and available for purchase. I might have to check it over this week just to see if there is a glaze to even out but nothing significant will change.

I don’t have dimension yet because the painting is at school and I am home but I will remedy that come Thursday. Nor do I have a price yet or have I put it in my shop. Mainly because I only just started the shop and I am still trying it out but also because I don’t know yet. But if there are any interest drop me a line and I will reserve it right away.

And then talking about the shop. I am trying it out and have one product in there so far. My painting “Praenomen” from 2015. This one you can order through the shop so I can know the system works. I don’t have any widgets to test it with.

The next step into the beyond

As my first half century on this planet is drawing to a close I am increasingly thinking about a different way of being in the world. So far the modes I have received as common sense or practical wisdom has not brought me to satisfying outcomes.

My basic orientation to the world is in an artistic sense, being that I tend to see options and avenues where none may exist, or even be needed. Yet the expectation is that the correct approach is one of single focus, staying the course actions and results driven decisions.

I want there to be another way. A way that does not lead me to create art that may be though provoking and aesthetically satisfying but mostly irrelevant for any practical purposes. Nor to a way of work and business and teaching and work that is devoid of play and beauty and inventions and complicated solutions that tease out difficulties rather than offer of shrink-wrapped solutions.

What I want to have in art and living, and by extension then, work and business and teaching is a creative approach. In a creative process, a way in which art is developed, there is an open conversation which moves from being just that open conversation—wandering about nearly aimless—to the discovery of options and avenues that may solve problems you may not even have been aware of at the beginning of the process.

Business, as I perceive it, attempts to go through a very logical and linear process to solve problems with minimal waste and highest efficiency. Business is aimed at getting the job done, and in that can becomes boring and soulless.
The wasteful excess of creative exploration might just be more effective—though never more efficient—in keeping business alive, playful and vibrant.

In the same way all other processes and products and offers and strategies of the business need to be approached in an artistic manner. Because I think that it is a better way to engage with the world than merely on the basis of economic expediency.

I would like to do life in the same way that I do art. Because I have been preventing myself from the full development of any part of my teaching and learning and being in the world in that I have shied away from the creative excesses of an open conversation with the world. Because these creative excesses are frowned upon. Because they are unpredictable and difficult to make to work. Because they are not the way things are done.

If I get involved in any endeavour I want to be involved as an artist. Meaning that I will act with the manners and modes and maddening ways of an artist, looking for the best solutions for whatever needs doing next. Which will mean that I will go down paths that are not fruitful. Which means that I will make mistakes and create grotesque and deformed things that have no practical use. But it also will mean that I will remain open to the possibilities that anything might come to me differently than what I or anybody else might expect. And that either way I will go beyond the basic needs and take the next step into the unknown beyond.

Something not so old, something not so new

In the past I would have considered myself a failure. Last week I started a sequence of posts which I called Slow Writing posts, ostensibly to record a process of daily writing practice which I would continue with indefinitely.

This comes from a process I went through re-evaluating my current values after coming across Emilie Wapnick’s idea of multipotentialites and further reading on the idea of non-specialisation. Though I am normally happy with competence when I tackle a field the value of mastery has become increasingly important to me. Mastery of exactly what remains elusive however, though my first stab at it for this year was at fiction writing.

School started this week and the summer holiday ended leading to both a break in the writing process and the blog series. This is now resulting in a shift in both perspective and focus. Yesterday the question was just, how do I continue the process when I have missed a day or two? Today my attention has shifted to a complete new interest on the intersection between real life and art. This makes a fictional story about exploding chickens seem quite irrelevant.

But how do I deal with my lack of commitment. Which is how I would have typified my behaviour as just a couple of months ago.

Think of it like riding waves with a boogie board. Sometimes you take wave from deep and ride it all the way out onto the beach. Sometimes you miss the wave and it leaves you behind and sometimes you get thrown head over heels.

What you don’t do then is to go look for that wave that left you behind or pummelled you around. Because that wave has come and gone. No, you just go back out and find the new wave.

For me that is what I am doing now, going out and finding a new wave. Asking what tickles my interest at this moment. And for that I have to go to an article I read today called Artists and Supermarket Tycoons.

“We want to simultaneously raise the ambition of artists: to make their ideals powerful in our lives – and of business: to serve us better. The two ambitions are ultimately very closely related.”

What caught me about the article was highlighted by the call for papers for the SAVAH 2016 conference with the theme Rethinking Art History and Visual Culture in a Contemporary Context (I received a reminder for the call for papers yesterday).

18th Century Ethnography, currently being revisited and reversed
18th Century Ethnography, currently being revisited and reversed

With that I am keen to submit a proposal for a paper that takes the thesis of Artists and Supermarket Tycoons and apply it to a current South African context. But before I can work on that proposal I feel that I have an obligation to finish and submit my paper for last years conference proceedings. And I fear that that wave may have come and gone.

With school that again fills the bigger part of my day I have a load of commitments ahead of me. I have a guardian class, which brings with it a whole load of responsibility as well as new ways to engage with being a teacher. I am involved in a class 11 play, which will require me utilising and honing my theatrical skills.

Alongside this I have my subject teaching which requires continued engagement, development and refining, especially since every new group of students bring their own challenges to deal with.

Just these challenges should be enough to keep me very occupied. Except that I have also committed to help my wife Petro with Playing Mantis, which is going into a new phase of development (but more about that later).

And then my kids are also growing up, becoming both more independent and more demanding at the same time. After school activities are becoming a standard feature of our school week.

It is a good thing then that I know my own efficacy and productivity is directly and inversely related to the amount of work I have on my plate. Though I seemingly fear and detest being overworked, I tend to do more and better work when I have more to do. While when I have nothing much to do and all the free time in the world, I tend to get nothing much done at all.

Which brings me almost to the end of a post which seems to be very much self centred. Except that what entices me about almost everything that I have on my to do list, and my current selection of interests, is that almost none of them relate to my own ideas, needs or opinions. All of them work through me (what else do I have to work through?) but only makes sense in the relationships with other people.

And I must admit that that, more than anything else, is a new thing for me.

Slow Writing: Day 7

feature pic for the enigma

I allow for special circumstances where no writing will happen. Today is special in a way that I cannot describe. No way my mind is going to be useful in constructing fiction. So, nothing for today.

Slow Writing: Day 6

feature pic for the enigma

I would have been happy with fifty words tonight. Just over seventy would have taken me past a thousand word total. Effectively it has taken me a week to do one decent writing session, if you consider a thousand words decent. At only ten minutes at a time that means I have written more than a thousand words in just one hour. And it only took me six days to complete.

Just imagine what I could do if I did this full time?

Wait I know the answer to that question. Less. Because doing this full time I get bored out of my mind, and then stressed about not making progress. Or something like that.

Fiction Writing Stats:

  • Words today: 123
  • Total for the month: 1049