Gerhi Janse van Vuuren’s Apolog

Well Cindy, I never though we had a problem with tipping. It was just something we never thought about. We just naturally were big tippers, especially Robert. Sometimes I would think twice about whether the waiter deserved it or not. Not for Robert, for him it didn’t even matter what the service is like he always tipped.

You’d think people would be glad. But with what happened yesterday you have to wonder what people are thinking. I mean the arrogance.

So we were just finishing up at that purple coffee shop downtown. No, not the new one on the corner. Ghastly table cloths that new place. If you put your fork down you can’t find it again. It just gets lost in the pattern. Last time I was there I found three forks on my table, absolute shoddy service if you ask me.

Oh yes. We were at that purple place. I can never remember the name. Too typical a coffee shop name. Don’t you think that they all sound pretty much alike too? Same with the coffee. I am convinced they all buy exactly the same brand from the same wholesaler. Some coffee rep probably visits all the same coffee shops and in the end the coffee at home tastes better.

But it is not like we go for the coffee. It is more for the experience. It is like an outing for me and Robert. We talk a bit, have a coffee and cake and just relax a bit away from home. I mean, is that too much too ask for, a good experience?

After yesterday I don’t know if I’ll ever go to a coffee shop again. It just spoiled it for me.

The service was of course typical. We couldn’t hear a word the waiter mumbled while he tried to remember what cakes they have by staring at the cake display. We had to order our cakes by colour. Robert had a brown cake and I had an orange one. I had a bite of his and except for the colour it could have been the same cake. All icing and cream and no flavour. And don’t ask about the coffee.

Why is it that you order cake and coffee at the same time and they have to make the coffee and it ends up on your table fifteen minutes before the cake? I mean they only have to slice the cake. The knife can’t be that blunt. And then the coffee is so tepid there is no way you can make it last till your cake eventually arrives.

So after cold coffee and cardboard cake the bill came and it was of course wrong. Three coffees and two pies. Go figure.

Robert had to do his civic duty of course and was tipping the waiter generously. Good thing he had his walking stick with him. He can be so elegant in these things. Always thought he would have been a wonderful father but you know about me and children.

So Robert has the waiter with his back to the cake display giving him the one tip after the other, all perfectly punctuated with a whack of his walking stick.

“You have to ask if we want hot or cold milk young man.”

WHACK

“Learn the names of the cakes on display for pity sake.”

WHACK

“Enunciate, o please, please enunciate.”

WHACK

You could see that he really appreciated the tips. Poor waiters. You know most people just don’t make the effort. Explains a lot. And Robert was really on a roll. I could see he was enjoying the experience as well.

Then this guy walked in of the street and just took over. I mean he wasn’t a customer. He had no right. And he wasn’t the manager for sure. What would the manager know of service anyway?

He just flashed this badge in Robert’s face and dragged the waiter out back. Robert was speechless. He just stood there. I had to shake him by the shoulder to get his attention. I said “Who was that Robert?”

And he said “Department of Service Affairs, Food Division.”

I know, it doesn’t make any sense. Who knew they even existed. I said to Robert “You can’t let him do that. You are a private citizen, you pay your taxes.” So we went out back to straighten this out and we found him beating the waiter to a granular death with a soggy coffee filter.

I mean the arrogance. Who gives the government the right to interfere in our tipping? And then they have the gall to hand out such a big tip, totally undeserved. Where does that leave us?

You done? Me too. Ghastly coffee right. Told you, same rep, same wholesaler. Do you want to tip or should I? No, it’s fine, let me tip, I’ve got my ice pick around here somewhere.

Filed under: Bits & Bobs by Gerhi Janse van Vuuren